he used to think that his life before her was like pure darkness. not in a depressed bullshit teenage angst type of way, no, he was well past that, but just... this profound emptiness. he didnt want to die exactly, but he didnt have this overwhelming urge to live either.
life with her was cohabitation in a time-bomb.
best case scenario, they would run away before it blew up. worst case scenario... he thinks he might be living it right now. he'll get back to you on that one.
perhaps its his fault for indulging in it.
but he couldnt help it, she just made everything better.
he was an atheist, but he was convinced that she had shot him from life on earth and straight into some variation of heaven.
he thinks he was too much for her.
he thinks of his previous ex saying she understood why the ones before hated him. he thinks that asking her would be embarrassing because the answer is probably very obvious.
(if he doesnt ask, he can continue living in some level of denial.)
how long can he go without acknowledging how much he misses her before it stops? before it stops feeling like this huge gaping wound he doesnt know how to live with, some tradgedy he has no idea what to do with? he doesnt like living like a victim.
he hopes she misses him too.
its over.
there is no use dwelling on any aspect of it. the ship is far past sailed, and all other analogies for moving on that he cant think of right now.
he cant keep wasting energy mourning what he was never destined to have.